Camping (2002)

I tell you, we had a strange experience the other night. We stayed at this place called Coffee Bay, which is famous for its copius quantities of dope being grown there. You can get an arm of it (literally a bag the size of your arm) for five paaaaaand! Also there are lots of tribes and legends all around there, we were pretty much the only white people there. Anyway so we are hanging around in the bar in this smokey atmosphere, and have a little of their special cake. Some local tribe comes in and does a crazy dance and song around the fire to ward off evil spirits or something, all very cool. But it turned out that they had no rooms left, so we'd have to camp outside. By this time it is about 11 and we are knackered from the day's excursions, so we retire to our tent.

The next thing I know, I am woken to the banging of what sounds like hundreds of drums, and I can see through the tent that it is pretty light outside, in fact it is a full moon. I think "damn, no sleep tonight" as I remember that they have full moon celebrations around here. But I can't be bothered to go check it out as it sounds like it's a fair walk away and anyway I might get sacraficed and put in a giant cooking pot or something, so I try to go back to sleep. The next thing I know, right next to my head I hear this seriously solid, heavy THUMP of something landing on the grass. I mean it sounds like someone has dropped a safe right next to my head. What the hell was that? Then I hear a few more heavy thuds, followed by this loud breathing. I open my eyes and see this huge shadow of some sort of BEAST right outside the tent, I mean this thing is massive, like 8 foot high and on 4 legs! Agh!

Remember at this point that I am still under the influence, and those tribal drums are still going on, and there are all these legends of devils and monsters and stuff that all the local people try to ward off. So I am lying there bricking it, afraid to move or even breathe in case this thing eats me or something. Then Una rolls over and makes some comment like "Jonah you smelly boy, have you farted?". Now that she mentioned it, there was a pretty appalling smell in the tent, but I was pretty sure that I hadn't literally soiled my pants so I was like "shut up". Then some more footsteps outside, I tell you if this thing steps on my head through the thin canvas of this tent then I am dead, and it is right outside. Una looks scared stiff all of a sudden, and we QUIETLY curl up in the middle of the tent and lie there without moving or making a sound and hope it goes away, and doesn't trample us decide to eat us. After what seems like an eternity, several more footsteps, brushing past and touching the tent a couple of times, and some more breathing, the thing finally leaves and we hear some splashing as it crosses a nearby stream. We are still paranoid that it might come back though so we try to go to sleep in the same positions without moving.

The next morning we wake up, totally stiff. We look at each other and were like "what the hell was that last night?", it all seemed to surreal now that it was morning. What's more, the awful smell that woke Una up originally has not gone away. I tentatively unzip the tent and discover a MASSIVE pile of poo right outside of our tent door, surrounded by horse hoofprints. Weak.